Damages and Reparations
by SummerSerendipity
Summary: Equius is dead and happily tucked away in his dream bubble when he receives an unexpected visit from his ancestor. Darkleer has a heart breaking and intriguing story to tell, one that just may change everything...


**AN: Hey guys! This is my first attempt at a Homestuck fanfiction, so be nice. My beta reader is the best, but sometimes we both forget details. Special thanks goes to my BBFsy who helped plot, plan, and edit this story, and even wrote her own paragraph. I hope you enjoy it, and please please please review! 3**

Equius lay quietly on the ground, his face pressed to the metal floor of his workshop.

_What am I doing here? _He wondered. _I was not in here earlier. I was… With Nepeta, and… Gamzee._

It all came back to him in a rush then. He swallowed hard and rubbed a calloused hand over his throat. Gamzee was strangling him. That must mean…

_ I'm dead._

He found it odd that the thought wasn't accompanied with even the slightest bit of panic or sadness. This place, his workshop but not, had a heavy feeling of peace over it. He only hoped Nepeta had gotten away okay. She had been safely hidden the last he knew.

"Welcome, boy."

He jumped slightly at the deep voice, surprised that he was not alone, and glanced around. His eyes landed on the imposing figure of an adult troll who looked nearly like a mirror image of himself except even more gigantic, if it were possible, and much older. "Who are you?" He asked the question, but there was only troll it could possibly be.

"Darkleer." The looming figure responded, settling cross legged on the floor across from him. It made him seem a little less threatening, but still he loomed over Equius's figure, which was almost slight and dainty in comparison. "I have come to check on my descendant, now that you have passed on. At such a young age too. It is a pity."

"I-it's good to meet you sir." Equius stumbled to his feet and made a clumsy bow, mentally cursing himself as he felt hot droplets of sweat slide down his back and face and watched them darken the floor below.

The intimidating figure laughed and relaxed his muscled bulk back on the palms of his hands. "No need for formalities Equius, please. Sit. Tell me about yourself."

Equius swallowed hard, unconsciously reaching for a towel off the well supplied stack he usually kept in his workshop. He swept it across his face and sat gingerly, craning his neck as he quietly studied his ancestor. "Well… What is there to tell you? What would you like to know?" Something inside him trembled with fear as he knew that in his great ancestor's eyes he could be considered nothing but a failure.

"Have you upheld my name justly, Equius Zahhak?" The older troll was suddenly all business, sitting up and clasping his hands in his lap. "Have you done as your blood caste requires, and upheld the laws of the highbloods? Have you taken down those who would threaten that and put the lowbloods in their place? Have you followed your orders as they were given with no protest or question, possessing only absolute loyalty?"

This was exactly what he had been afraid of. Panic ran through his body and he tensed, searching his mind for any sort of excuse that would explain his lewd and disgraceful conduct in life. "I-I tried, great ancestor Darkleer! The hemospectrum is laughed at and ridiculed now, and I tried my best to uphold it, but I was laughed at and ridiculed with it." He hung his head in shame, bracing himself for the reaction to his next confession. "And then I… I fell in love with one who posses the lowest blood of them all, sir."

There was silence as he stared at the floor, and he dared to sneak a peek through the thick curtain of dark hair that hung over his face. He was alarmed to find that his ancestor's shoulders were shaking with what he believed to be rage. After a long moment though, he realized that Darkleer was laughing.

Boy, you think you have done great wrong, but let me tell you something." He leaned forward, catching Equius's fearful eyes in his. "All of those things? Those duties? They are utter nonsense. A waste of time. But love?" He sat back and shook his head. "There are many tales about me boy. I am aware of that. Tales of my great deeds, tales of how I killed the Signless, tales of how I was marked a traitor when I took pity on his Disciple. But there is one tale I am sure you have never heard, because it is the one of which I am most ashamed." He sighed a heavy sigh, his behemoth chest heaving with the effort like a small earth quake. "It is the story of a girl, more beautiful than any other, who died for a noble cause and the fool who would not save her."

A silence stretched out between them for several long moments and Equius wondered if Darkleer had gotten lost in his thoughts, but just as he opened his mouth to say something his ancestor spoke again.

"I was on business for her most Imperious Condescension…" Equius had never seen an expression quite as tormented or forlorn as the one that overtook Darkleer's face. For a moment it almost seemed as if he had transformed from a young, vital, fantastically huge warrior, into a battle worn, aged man. The weight of years of guilt were heavy on his skin and dragged it down, his forehead wrinkling neatly with deep caverns dug by ages of worry and thick, sobbing tears. "The bluebloods had been hunting for the rebel leader, the Signless. The searches had been mostly fruitless and we had been essentially nothing but armored butterflies chasing a rumor. But another tip had come in that seemed promising, so I was sent the the court of the Grand Highblood to supervise reconnaissance efforts."

"The work was full of long nights composing letters, receiving reports, and giving commands. I was running on little to no sleep most of the time, and my back had more knots than muscles, and as you can see, that's really an impressive accomplishment." He made a wry smile at that, flexing a bicep ever so slightly.

"Most of my nights were also spent in solitude, and the staff was under strict instructions that I was not to be disturbed. So, you can imagine my surprise when this little court dancer entered my room without so much as an introduction." Equius could nearly feel his own heart break at the expression Darkleeer made now, remembering the face of a woman he had lost long ago, and the very moment they had met, when she had begun to change him beyond reparation.. The love the younger troll saw there was so pure, so untainted, that its very existence brought blue tears to his eyes.

Darkleer continued, heedless of his companion's emotions. "She never knew it, but I was enchanted with her the moment I saw her. She began rubbing out the knots and kinks in my shoulders without a word, instinctively knowing exactly what I needed, as was her job. She never actually said it, but I always assumed she had been sent by the Grand Highblood to assist my success in the most important task I had been assigned." He gave a bitter laugh.

"She continued to come every night, despite my protests otherwise. She was a sweet, tempting distraction. A forbidden treat left in a flattering spotlight. But somehow she always managed to get to me in all the best and worst ways. Eventually, as the search stretched from nights to long weeks, then long after, nearly an entire sweep, she became more than an excellent masseuse and bedfellow. She stayed up with me ever night, talking to me, supporting me in a way I never thought possible." He sighed, a shadow passing over his face. "She was _always_ there for me when I needed her. Sometimes before I had even called for her. Then one night she came to my room looking pale, every bit of her beautiful green hue drained from her skin. I instantly abandoned my work and asked her what was wrong. The next thing I knew she had pressed a tiny emerald necklace into my hands, tears on her cheeks. There was a plot against me, she told me. Something she overheard. Someone was trying to kill me in order to gain a quick, easy promotion."

He glanced at Equius. "You have to remember that in those days the hemospectrum was a brutal ladder of murders. It was commonplace that at least one highblood would go missing every few weeks, his smug faced competitor slipping easily into his place, only to have his throat slit by his own rival a few days later. I had always managed to avoid such petty plays of power, but it seemed that could not last forever. It was only through my little dancer's unselfishly gifted necklace that my life was save. It was enchanted to cause the wearer to be invisible when turned in a certain manner. Evading my attackers was easy this way, and I attempted to return it to her, but she allowed me to keep it as a gesture of our rapidly deepening love."

He smiled a little. "At that point we had even begun to realize our flushed feelings. I pulled her aside in a garden in order to ask her to become my matesprit one day when work could wait a while. But we were interrupted." The smile rapidly vanished. "One of her... Other dancer friends came to retrieve her before I could say anything and told her the Grand Highblood had urgently requested her presence. She left immediately with her friend, but I knew something was wrong about the other girl's expression, so I followed them on the pretense of having business to discuss with the Highblood." The Expatriate's voice was very suddenly fogged with restrained tears and Equius felt his subconscious brace against the coming conclusion of the story.

"I knew the instant I entered that throne room that something was wrong. The Highblood's wrath was nearly as thick as his hair. The second she set foot on the floor he had her seized and forcefully stripped. To everyone's shock she bore the mark of a follower of the signless, an open act of treason." He bowed his head as though someone had place a great weight on it, his long glossy hair hanging in his face like a curtain. "It was not the symbol you know now, as the Signless had not yet been caught and executed by myself, but it was a way for rebels to know each other. The Grand Highblood had never sent her to me. She was a spy, watching where I sent my armies so they could warn their prophet before he could be caught." The older troll paused for a moment, making a strangled noise in his throat, a single tear escaping each of his still lowered eyes and hitting the metal floor with a sad, tiny noise. "I took this as a great betrayal. Her long nights of service to me suddenly meant nothing in the face of this revelation. And so, when the Grand Highblood descended his throne and gave a sermon the likes of which would send you screaming into the comfort of your own nightmares, I did nothing." He gave a great, shuddering breath, his shoulders and chest heaving in great swells like ocean waves. "When he beat her, each fall of his club breaking her fragile body and releasing tortured cries like I have never heard a troll make in my life, I did nothing. When she clung to my feet and _begged_ me to stop this, to do ANYTHING, I did nothing. When she met my eyes and told me she loved me, I looked away." His final words were barely a whisper. "I was too much of a coward to even watch him kill her."

Seeing the shocked look on Equius's face he gave a ghost of a smile. "Oh yes, she died. There was only one way she could have escaped and I was wearing it about my neck. I would not allow her to save her life with the very necklace she had saved mine with scant weeks before." He stopped for a long time, staring aimlessly past Equius's head, weeping openly and silently. The younger troll didn't dare disturb the moment. The warrior's grief felt almost sacred somehow.

"The Grand Highblood may have killed Cilena." The expatriate finally spoke again, revealing his lover's name for the first time with the kind of reverence one reserves for God, his voice rough and yet impossibly soft. "But I murdered her."  
>It was only now the Equius dared to speak, but he didn't know what to say. So some sort of unintelligible apology for his ancestor's loss blubbered past his lips and he sat on the ground, feeling cold and like a complete idiot.<p>

Darkleer simply smiled, his eyes still staring aimlessly into space. "Her moirail, the court mage who had made her necklace and sent her to spy on me visited me a few days after I was forcefully dragged from the Grand Highblood's court, carrying a corpse, disgraced, and raving like a lunatic. Never before have I seen a troll so enraged. The words she spoke to me that day have haunted me for many sweeps, but I will keep them to myself. Shortly after Cilena's death, without their spy to warn them, the Signless and his closest followers were caught and brought in. I was offered a chance to redeem myself by killing him, and I was in such a numb state of grief that I accepted it." He buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath, then let it out on a long whistled sob.

"But when I saw his disciple and the deep love she had for him, the way she had gone mad with grief when he died... I could only see both Cilena and myself in her. I could not kill her. Instead I loaned the necklace to her and allowed her to escape. She returned it to me many years later, but not before I was disgraced, stripped of my title, and exiled to a shack in the deep woods as far from civilization as I could be cast. I was too high on the hemospectrum to be executed, and my long sweeps of service also kept me safe, but the Highbloods were still not happy with me." He snorted softly, the effort barely showing at all he was so exhausted by the story's telling. "But I never regretted saving her. I would never fulfill my debt to Cilena, but at least I had done something to honor her memory." He shook his head. "I used to have the most terrible nightmares. I would watch the scene over and over again. I would see myself. See the fool I was. I would be there. But I couldn't stop anything. Every time I tried to catch her, tried to save her... She fell right through my arms." He began to weep anew, but continued to talk despite his obvious pain. "And that is why, Equius Zahhak, my kin, my flesh, you must learn from me." The earnest plea in the older troll's voice caught Equius slightly off guard and he felt tears well in his own eyes. "_Never_ cast aside the things that matter."

The expatriate's story finished, the two sat in a thick silence, Darkleer's last words ringing faintly in the back of Equius's mind. One of his most revered heroes, the one he had worked so hard to be like. The one he thought he had failed... the two of them really weren't that different after all. He wasn't quite sure how to feel about it all.

"Now you've heard my story," Darkleer's bass voice breaking the silence once more, composed and strong, "Tell me of this rustblood of yours."

The thought of Aradia was almost enough to cast aside the dark rays of Darkleer's tragic story and Cilena's gruesome fate. She was his sun, after all. And he told Darkleer that. "She is so brave, and adventurous." Equius said in hushed wonder, the memory of the troll nearly enough to bring the pesky tears back to his eyes. If only she hadn't exploded so suddenly... If only it hadn't been Sollux she said goodbye to... "She never backs down, and she's not even as strong as I am. She's fragile, and dainty..." He stopped, realizing that those were the wrong words. Aradia wasn't like him, accidentally breaking everything he touched, but she wasn't a soft flower either. "She's... Sturdy." He corrected himself. "Like a hoofbeast. And..." He felt in himself the stirrings of what he had seen on Darkleer's face when he had first spoken of Cilena, a kind of hushed reverence and admiration for a troll he could never hope to equal. "Beautiful." He finished lamely, unable to find any Alternian words to describe how utterly in love he was.

Darkleer simply nodded, and Equius knew he understood completely. The man got to his feet and offered a gargantuan hand, pulling Equius easily to his feet with the kind of control the younger troll could only dream of having. "Keep her. Now I'm sure you have other friends who wish to see you, so I'll be leaving you now." A bright grin flashed briefly over his face. "I have visits of my own to make." With those words Equius wasn't so sure that the Expatriate's story had ended quite so badly in death as it had in life, and as he watched the man's back grow distant at the edges of the dream bubble, then eventually disappear he was suddenly and forcefully reminded of a story he had heard once as a grub.

The story of a strange old man in the forest who had told every traveler seeking shelter in his shack a story so beautiful is had brought tears even to the eyes of a hardened pirate...

Equius smiled to himself and gazed around his workshop. Death wasn't so bad. He had plenty of time to work on his robots now. Maybe he could even-

"Equius?"

The sound of that voice brought him about face so fast he nearly snapped his own neck. Again. "A-aradia..." Much to his embarrassment he felt cold sweat slip down his spine and hurried to hide it, his back against the wall. "H-how long have you been here?"

"Long enough." The look in her eyes as she stared at him was unfathomable and he found himself lost in her depths as he tried to understand her. "Did you... Really mean what you said?"

It was only just then that he noticed the stale tracks of old tears and the ring of redness in her eyes that told she had been crying. "Every word." He said quietly, his humiliating sweat completely forgotten. "Three times over."

She gave a soft, strangled sob and rushed to hug him. He held his arms awkwardly away from her, afraid of hurting her, especially the fragile looking red wings that lifted from her shoulders like proclamations of her Godhood. Much to his surprise she looked up at his face, gazing over him for a brief moment, making him feel as though he had been stripped naked, every inch of him exposed to her penetrating eyes. Then she kissed him.

It wasn't the passionate kiss of a lover, or the sympathetic kiss of someone who pitied him like she had once given him. It was the kiss of a broken heart. The kiss of a butterfly with mangled wings. An imperfect kiss that had become perfect in its brokenness. She wasn't in love with him, and he knew it. They would never fill a quadrant together, but she somehow did love him. In a different way. A way that couldn't be described by simple quadrants.

But he dared to hope anyway. "Are you... Staying?" He whispered as she broke away.

She shook her head sadly and took a step back. "You're dead Eq. I'm... Not. We don't belong together. I'm sorry."

The words didn't sting like they should have. Somehow he had always known she would say that, the same way she knew he would do nothing to stop her as she turned, gave him a tiny, broken smile over her shoulder, and flew away.

And all he could do was stand there and watch her go, a dull throbbing in his chest where she should have, might have, could never have been.

Like Ancestor like Descendent.

But he didn't have long to feel sorry for himself. Only a few seconds were spent in mourning, then he suddenly felt himself thrown slightly forward by an all too familiar greeting.

"EQUIHISS!"


End file.
